DCS Daily Blog

The new DCS Lineup

2008-04-02T09:07:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been almost a year since my last post and boy have things changed around here. Check out the new DCS lineup!!

Joe
aka: Big Boss, Captain Flat Top
Likes: Going to see dragon movies with his daughter, Coca-Cola classic, watching car shows, reading about cars, and detailing cars, bar-b-queing with his neighbors, house work
Dislikes: stories about snot, power clapping, dating

Chris
aka: Little Boss, The Ruiner
Likes: Teaching daughter to power clap, finding peoples physical flaws and giving them a nickname that highlights said flaw, telling people "no", giving me a hard time, Gary Stories
Dislikes: People who don't put in a work order, frequent tardiness, getting squirrel gifts, murder

Jason
aka: Lemon Head, Kitten, Tiger, Chicken Sandwich
Likes: Nine Inch Nails, turkey burgers, hippie girls, LOST, 80's nights, long relationships that go nowhere
Dislikes: migranes, being called kitten, being tied down, beef

Jenny
aka: The Interupter
Likes: celebrity gossip, Jesus, Dan Zettwoch, power clapping, fad diets, and pretty much anything for a week
Dislikes: getting guilted, pee on the toilet seat, hugging and crying at work, seeing co-workers legs, wedding planning

Richard
aka: The Vapor
Likes: Gigantic Headphones, architecture, big words, long leisurely breakfasts, soccer, art, and pesto
Dislikes: Haircuts and idiots

Denny
aka: The Illustrator
Likes: Makin' stuff, drawing, taking walks at lunch, the Grateful Dead, his family
Dislikes: Oppression, dresscode

John
aka: Shmitty, The Opposer
Likes: Wasabi Peanuts, gross food, disagreeing, photography, photoshop, good tunes, going to lunch
Dislikes: last minute requests, people touching his stuff and/or not putting it back where it goes, agreeing with anything

HONORARY MEMBERS

Sam
aka: uh...sam
Likes: Her dog, Carrie Underwood, having a good time, running, taking care o' herself, coffee and hot chocolate, being single
Dislikes: old boyfriends, trying to sell houses, stressss!

Nicole
aka: yet to be determined
Likes: Jim from the Office, LOST, HOw I Met Your Mother, Napoleon Dynamite - basically watching tv, costume parties, kickball, razzing people
Dislikes: The Bachelor, disorder (I'm sure there's more but she hasn't been here that long)

The Dog
Likes: Barking, walking, wearing his pig costume
Dislikes: Low batteries, being dropped and stepped on, mechanical cats

People who have nothing to do with DCS, but everything to do with me and are essential charachters in much of my story-telling.

Dan
aka: Sweet Dan
Likes: Me, Amy, the cats, good old-fashioned fun, alternative comics, eating food, hard-core punk, hard work, coffee, being helpful
Dislikes: being away from me

Amy
aka: my roomate amy
Likes: Expensive purses, Marley the dog, nephews, drinking beer and actin' a fool, folding laundry, crime documentaries, bossing, sleeping
Dislikes: doing dishes, being guilted, being lonely, calling customer service people, people she thinks are stupid

Magnatious

2007-05-21T15:03:00.000-07:00

WELCOME MAGGIE!!! I don't have a picture of her yet, so this will have to do.

Maggie loves horses, her kids, her husband, her dog, having one inch of dark roots, Elvis Costello, the Ramones, Coke (regular - NOT DIET), sweet stuff, paper samples, new york, photography, painting, rats - yes, rats, and most of all she loves staring at my amazing profile all day long.

Stupid comment of the day: There's this security gaurd that hangs around downstairs and tells Sweet Dan different ways that he could capitalize on his incredible talent. Today he suggested that Dan learn how to draw exact replicas of US dollars because technically it's not counterfeit if you don't use a copy machine.

A New Era

2007-05-16T13:26:00.000-07:00

It's the dawn of a new era here at DCS. My two ladies have have left. First Nikole, and now my sweet Ettiquator - AJ. sigh. I'm the last lady standing.
Here's a list of the things I will miss about dear AJ:
I'll miss her whisper shouting when she tries to either re-enact an actual shouting incident, or one she would like to happen.
I'll miss the way she holds her little tupperware dish of rice and chicken 2 inches away from her mouth as she dishes stuff in.
I'll miss the jingle of her lipsmackers necklace hit her namebadge as she walked down the hall.
I'll miss her relentless committment to working out while she works.
Her silent panic attacks.
Her moral high ground.
Short pants.
Her love of disgusting foreign foods.
Swapping 3rd floor bathroom horror stories.
Her patience for my ways which I'm sure drove her crazy deep down inside.
And so many other things that no one will ever be able to replace!!!

Normal or Nuts??

2007-05-14T14:38:00.000-07:00

Today’s lunchtime conversation centered around a Reader’s Digest article entitled Normal or Nuts? Test Yourself. It included several reader submitted rants about their own bizarre tendencies which were then evaluated by the experts who deemed weather said tendency was actually a symptom of insanity or just a lame idiosyncrasy. The only one I could relate to was a blurb about being unable to comfortably walk next to strangers. I always have to adjust my pace to sprint ahead or fall behind them. Apparently that’s normal. What ISN’T normal though is Lemonhead’s empathy for spoons. Yes. That’s right. He can’t choose one spoon for his supper without feeling bad for all the spoons that don’t get to accompany him to Tofu Town (or whatever other organic destination he has in mind.) After his heart wrenching decision, he even apologizes to the other little guys! AND it’s not just spoons. It’s pretty much any inanimate object.

So, what did the experts have to say about this?? Well, one expert implied that he must be a “wounded soul” who developed an excessive sensitivity for anything that has been neglected or omitted. (Maybe he was picked last for kickball one too many times?)
Another guy called Jason a Narcissist!! Who does he think he is that any spoon would even want to go near his mouth?! Another guy argues that this all stems from general indecisiveness. I don’t know about that. I mean, I have a hard time deciding what to wear in the morning, but I don’t ask forgiveness from the 5 shirts I tried on and didn’t choose. I don’t even hang them up and put them back in their cozy closet house with their friends. I just throw them on the floor! Then I step on em! Then I tell them how ugly they are and that I never wanted them in the first place and that my mother MADE me get them! FROM TALBOTS!!! I don’t feel sorry for them one bit! (Sigh)….Anyways. The last specialist says that Lemonheads behavior is completely normal….for a 4 year old.

So there you have it. Lemonhead is a Super-Sensitive, Narcissistic, and emotionally immature psychopath. Don’t cry about it, Lemonhead. I’d have to give you one of my tissues and the rest of the box would get jealous.

Quote of the day:
"Are you just going to walk by that chair and not say Hello?" - me to Lemonhead about 5 minutes after hearing about his "issue"

A sick winter Jenny is an ugly ugly site

2007-01-12T09:03:00.000-08:00

I'm sick and I hate it. I don't even know where it came from! Wednesday night while walking to my car I noticed that my throat felt a little scratchy, 2 hours later I had tissued crammed up my nose and by the next morning I had 2 lbs of mucus sitting between my eyeballs like a brick! I'm bored out of my mind but have no energy to do anything. I'd sleep, but since I can't breathe out of my nose, I have to leave my mouth hanging open which not only results in a Druel Bath, but it somehow, at the same time, dries your mouth and lips out to a desert like state, which in turn leads to a sore throat, so I go through this cycle of sleep-druel all over-dry mouth-lips crack-wake up in puddle of druel with sore throat - roll over - which opens the floodgates in my nose releasing an hours worth of built up "fluid" - sit up and blow nose - drink water - realize I have to pee.....again - fight the urge to get up an go for 10 minutes - realize am losing battle - get up - stub toe on random item on the floor - curse item - go to bathroom - flush toilet - toilet acts like it will flush but quits halfway through - curse toilet -flush again holding handle until it's officially down - go back to room - step on hanger that I have refused to pick up for 3 days - curse hanger - lay down - repeat.

I don't know why I am sick again...I feel like I just had this. And I really never get sick. Maybe it's because I'm so malnourished. Amy swears we're getting the scurvy.

AJ meets a S'more

2006-11-21T13:00:00.001-08:00

SO, AJ, being the only woman over 5 who had never experiences the power of a S'more, orchestrated a little lunch time outing for us all at Forest Park. Fun was had by all. Here is a glimpse.

I can't believe how fat my face is.

It Came From the Womens' Bathroom!!

2006-11-15T10:15:00.000-08:00

So, I know it's been awhile since I've blogged about an incident in the womens bathroom, but I figured it had all been said....until last Friday.

Since I don't drink even a fraction of enough liquids throught the day, I only make it to the restroom maybe once a day. I try to hold it until I can't hardly stand it because if I don't and there's someone in there fixing there hair or reapplying their make-up in dead silence I'm sure to get stage fright. I sit and NOTHING. So I flush the empty toilet and leave - unrelived. But this is all besides the point. - Last friday walked into the "Ladies" (I use this very loosely) room and was nearly knocked to my knees by an unholy stench. But, since I had been holding it to the point of no return, I just held my breath and went to stall #1. "WHAT!!!" I couldn't believe it. I had seen that splatter before along the back of the seat, but this time it was different. This time- it was brown!!!! I rolled my eyes and went to #2 (no pun intended). I then ran back to the office and shared the news with AJ who was equally disgusted. We laughed and accused our usual suspects.

Then - 20 minutes later I recieve this email from AJ:
"I've just returned from the ladies'. And I think I can top you."
Someone had literally sh*t on the floor in Stall #3."

WHAT!?! NO WAY!

I have to ask. I find AJ down the hall and make her spill. Yes....It was true. Someone left a lonely little terdlit sitting on the floor next to the toilet. How did this happen??? I mean, the mechanics of it! Even if it was a Hoverer, they're hover skills would have had to been dramatically off. Were they drunk?? Were they crazy??? Who keeps doing crap like this??!!!!

"This I've got to see!" I shout. "No, Jenny. It's too late. It's been taken care of." No. NO. she couldn't have. " I had to!" She shouts. "There were other people in there!! They would have thought I did it!!"

I am speechless.

A Conversation?

2006-11-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

This is a transcript of a healthy phone conversation between two people when one person asks another to attend an event and the other person has to say no.

Person A: Hey, A! I was wondering if you would like to go to the movies with me this weekend. That guy I introduced you to will be there!!
Person B: Oh, A, I wish I could, but I have to work.
Person A: Oh, that’s too bad. Are you sure you can’t get away for a couple hours???
B: No. I’ve got a lot to get done in the next month and a lot of people counting on me so I need to use this weekend to get a good head start.
A: I totally understand. We’ll miss you, but I hope you get a lot done!!!
B: Thanks for inviting me and I hope you guys have fun! And tell that guy I said Hi!
A: Oh I will! Talk to you later!
B: Bye!
A: Bye!

Now this is a transcript of the conversations between me and my sister this weekend:

Ring! Ring!

Jenny: Hello?
Kelly: Hey!
Jenny: Hey! What’s up?
Kelly: Oh nothing, I’m just heading to the store. I just wanted to call and see if you are coming to church with us tomorrow.
Jenny: Nope. I can’t. I am painting all weekend. I have several commissioned paintings that I need to get done.
Kelly: UH!!! WHAT!?!!?
Jenny: Sorry. I wish I could, but I made myself swear that I would commit to painting all weekend.
Kelly: JENNY!!!!! Come on! It’s 2 hours! What about Kyle!?!?! Don’t you want to see him again!?!?! You HAVE to come!
Jenny: Kelly, I’m sorry, but I CAN’T.
Kelly: Yes you can. Just come to church in the morning and then go home and paint!!! You’ll have the whole rest of the day!!
Jenny: It really doesn’t work that way. I’m at my most creative in the morning. I get up at 7 and start painting.
Kelly: SO, get up and paint then come to church and go back! What’s the big deal!?!
Jenny: Kelly, I can’t just quit in the middle to get all spruced up, drive 30 minutes to church, sit there for an hour, and drive 30 minutes back and get back to business.
Kelly: Well, - ugh, good grief, do you have to have them done right NOW!?!?!
Jenny: (I snap a little inside.) YES!!!! I’m going out of town the next 2 weekends!!! If I don’t get a good start on them I’m going to spend the next 2 weeks completely freaking out!!
Kelly: Where are you going next weekend?
Jenny: I’m going to Lake of the Ozarks with my friends from bible study. We’ve had it planned since July.
Kelly: So, you’re gonna go to Lake of the Ozarks with your friends, but you can’t come to church with us for 2 measly hours??? Why don’t you skip going to the lake, then you’ll have all next weekend to paint!
Jenny: WHAT!?!?! NO!!! Then I’d be letting all of them down, and besides, I’ve been looking forward to this trip!!!
Kelly: Well, can’t you just get up in the mornings before work and paint!?!
Jenny: KELLY!!!! NO!!!!!!
Kelly: Well, Jenny! How is Kyle ever supposed to get your phone number and ask you out!?!?! If you don’t come tomorrow that means you won’t see him for a month!!!!!!!! What if he meets someone else!!!
Jenny: Well. I guess if its meant to be then it will work itself out. Honestly, Kelly, I’ve got a lot more important things to worry about right now and I would have time to go on a date with him even if he asked me.
Kelly: (Yelling to kids in the background) Girls, Aunt Jenny’s not going!
Kids: WHAT!!!!! Tell her she has to!!
Kelly: The kids really want you to go.
Jenny: (at this point I just want to get off the phone) UGH…fine. I’ll think about it. I’ll see how much I get done today, but I’m telling you now that I’m 95% sure I’m not coming.
Kelly: Fine.
Jenny: Fine.

She calls 5 more times that evening which I never answer. She also has my brother call to tell me that he had a dream the night before that I would go to church the next day and meet the man I’m going to marry.

I spend the rest of the day obsessively aggravated over this “predicament”. Mostly because it shouldn’t even be one, but my sister, although I love her dearly, is the pushiest person I know and if you don’t do what she wants you’ll have to put up with her guilt trips and pouting.9.5 times out of 10 I just give in immediately. It’s just easier and I’m a lazy fighter.

The next morning at 8 am I am lying in bed.

Ring! Ring!!!

I let it go to voicemail and finally muster up the courage to tell her that I am definitely not going. So I call her back.

Jenny: Kelly, I JUST CAN’T GO.
Kelly: WHAT!!!!!!

The conversation from the day before repeats itself.

Kelly: Fine. If you don’t want to go—
Jenny: Kelly, It’s not that I don’t want to go!!! I know that you and the kids really like Kyle and are really excited to see what happens and want me to hurry up and fall in love with him so you can plan a wedding and I can start popping out kids. But, I don’t think you understand how much stress I am under. I am not even in the state of mind right now to even think about boys.
Kelly: Fine, I didn’t realize it was such a big deal. Don’t go. I understand. (in a pouty tone)
Jenny: NO, now your going to pout!
Kelly: No I’m not. (yes she is) It’s fine. I have to go and get the girls ready.
Jenny: Okay. I’m sorry!!!!
Kelly: It’s fine. I hope you get a lot of painting done. Bye.
Jenny: Bye.

Simpler Times

Look out. Here comes Winter Jenny.

2006-11-07T12:56:00.000-08:00

Prepare yourselves. I can feel myself morphing into Winter Jenny already. It’s been a year, so let me refresh you on her personality. Winter Jenny may slightly like Summer Jenny, but don’t be fooled. They are 2 different people. Sure, they both have the same gigantic teeth, but if you look closely, you’ll see that winter Jenny’s teeth are totally lack-luster and a dingey yellow. This is probably due to the poor hygiene that Winter Jenny prefers. “Why bother with the white strips? In fact, why bother brushing my teeth at all? They are just going to get dirty again?” This is an example of Winter Jenny’s general attitude towards everything. Summer Jenny is no fashion plate, but winter Jenny takes it to a whole new level. When she comes to town the first thing she likes to do is gain 10 to 15lbs. Now Summer Jenny’s clothes don’t fit anymore, but Winter Jenny doesn’t give a hoot. She refuses to go and buy new pants that do fit so she just alternates the two “less tight” pairs—not daily – weekly. She finds one pair of shoes and wears them every day whether they match or not. “Make-up to cover those unsightly dark circles- Hell no. It’s all pointless. Life is pointless. Why even take the time to brush my hair, there’s so much static in the air it’s just going to look like crap anyways.” At least she is considerate enough to wash it….every other day.

Summer Jenny is fun and entertaining and always happy to talk to anyone. Winter jenny isn’t quite so congenial. If she talks at all it’s usually to complain about how stupid everything is. Summer Jenny is observant and can turn most anything into a great lunch time story, Winter Jenny on the other-hand, still has the same gift, but would rather sit at her desk and play Tetris than talk to her fabulous co-workers. “Don’t they know how pointless it all is!!! Who Cares!?!?”

Speaking of stupid, Winter Jenny likes to have a boyfriend. Not because she’s lonely or feeling romantic. She just likes to have someone else to complain to – and about. She turns on the charm just enough to reel some poor sap in, and then she flips the switch. At this point he’s stuck with her, because it’s the holidays and no one wants to be alone during the holidays. He figures having a sullen unkempt hygiene deficient girlfriend is better than having no girlfriend at all. He puts up with it. And just when he gets used to her and begins to accept her, Summer Jenny comes back and loses him quicker than a utility bill. But, you can’t blame her. Winter Boyfriend usually sucks pretty bad himself. Winter Jenny ain’t too picky.

So folks. Consider yourselves warned. Winter Jenny sucks and I apologize in advance.

Goodbye Short-Timer

2006-11-02T14:40:00.000-08:00

It was a sad day here at DCS. Sad because our Bargin Betty, our sweet little Nikole has left for greener pastures. What will we do without her?? Who will tell me that my hair looks good when everyone else says disapointedly, "Jenny........you changed your hair." Who will organize me!?! Who will bring in discusting smelling fish dishes for lunch?!? Oh, AJ will still do that on occasion. Who will I talk about my dreams of having a vegetable garden with?!?! Who will tell me how talented I am!?! Who will come in the room with a new story about how they fell down the stairs...AGAIN.?? Who will AJ have to share those nasty cocoa mojitos with? Who will she have to go to uppity resturaunts with for lunch?? Not me. That's for sure. Who will copy those gestures and mannarisms that only Nikole and any drunk sorority girl can make? Who will take all of our hopes and dreams for a more functional DCS and put them into action??? Sure , we all love to talk about it, but Nikole was the one who kept the ball rolling when the rest of us were watching youtube. And most of all, who will cry at work!!!! It's like when Nikole cried, she was crying for all of us!!!!

Oh Nikole! It won't be the same!!

Let the search begin!

2006-10-30T13:34:00.000-08:00

Well, her last day is Thursday, and we better start thinking about who we can get to "replace" her. (Although she will never truly be replaced). I have a few suggestions.

What about

Just think about how much fun AJ and I would have ripping her to shreds with our witty judgemental rants. Plus, she's not bad to look at for the boys. Downside: I bet she spends half of her life primping in the bathroom and you all know the stage fright I suffer from if someone is in there fixing their hair. I'd probably just have to quit peeing at work all together.

Or how about

I bet he would totally fall in love with me and then I could get married and never have to work again. PLUS Nikole LOVES John Mayer and this would totally piss her off and make her crazy with jealousy. Downside: I can't think of one.

OR what do you all think of hiring

How precious would that be!?!?!? Who wouldn't want to have a sweet chimp to play with all day long, PLUS this IS a Scientific Education Institution!!!!! Downside: I don't know that Chimps can be potty trained.

WAIT!! WAIT!!! I know!!! There is only one person I can think of that would even come close to filling Bargin Betty's Shoes. Only one who could mirror her charm, her slurred speech and her weak center of gravity....
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I'm CRAZY!?!?! YOU guys are crazy!!!

2006-10-26T13:32:00.000-07:00

What!!! What the hell just happened! Let me tell you where I'm coming from:
The opposer is having a party today at 3:30. Today is THURSDAY. Now who can go to a party at 3:30 on a Thursday??? It doesn't make sense does it??? Well, according to EVERYONE else in this place it makes perfect sense. But then ofcourse, they had the foreknowledge that we all had PERMISSION to skate out an hour and a half early. I DID NOT. So as soon as I started my rant, you'd have thought me to be a witch in 17th Century Salem Massachussets. By the way folks, when you tell a person they are acting psychotic (WHEN THEY AREN'T!) it only forces them further into a Psychotic frenzy in a mad attempt to prove thier innocence.

Stupid Comment of the day: The opposer for having a party at 3:30 on a Thursday. (Although I am very excited to go)

BACK and BETTER THAN EVER!

2006-10-25T12:41:00.000-07:00

Well, I’m back.
“Hey, Jenny, Where the hell did you go in the first place??? You didn’t even say goodbye!!! You just up and quit! You’re a quitter! That’s what you are!! Why should we trust you?!?! You just waltz in with your funny little comments and embarrassing dating traumas and as soon as it starts to feel like a “commitment” boom! You’re out the door!! We’re not falling for it again!! We quit you, Jenny!!! WE QUIT YOU!!!”

Now, now, husssh. Husssssh. It’s okay, I understand. I’ve been a bit of a bastard and you all have every right to be mad at me. I’m like that deadbeat dad. I can always make you laugh, I let you do things your mom won’t, and I let you stay up WAAAAY past your bedtime. All your friends think I’m the coolest. And I am the coolest…when I show up, which is never worth banking on. I’m too selfish. Commitment makes me feel strangled and I’m too busy chasing my dreams and those damn get rich quick schemes to be bothered to update my sweet baby blog.

But that was the old me!!! I’m changin’ my ways!! Will I still be flakey? Yes. Will I still say stupid things? All the time. Will I still dress terrible and go on a new diet every 2 weeks? You bet. But dammit, if I can’t commit to updating a damn blog every once in a while, what can I commit to??? NOTHING!!! That’s what!!! Certainly not a diet, or an exercise regimen, or an unsatisfying relationship.

My NAME IS JENNY! AND I’M A QUITTER!!!!

Stupid Comment of the Day:
Mine all Mine. Today, as I dropped my roomate off at the airport for her flight to Mexico, I said, "How will I know you got there safe?? Oh wait, I guess if you don't it'll show up on the news." oooooo.
or
The airport security gaurd who while riffeling through her bag found a memory foam vibrating back pillow and anounced to everyone that she had a "Vibrator"

an "overflow" of inspiration

2006-02-17T13:00:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay. So I know I've been neglecting the ole blog.....and let's be honest, I've been neglecting everything for the past couple months- my car, my apartment, my friends, my personal hygene......I'm sure it's due to seasonal defective disorder. Everything is so grey and drab- and cold- and dismal; and I better quit talking about it before I depress myself again.

Anyways, I couldn't help but be overcome with inspiration today. It's been a very eventful week here at DCS. First off, now that I'm hanging out with a Jehovah's Witness, I've had TONs of crazy stuff to gossip about and make fun of, THEN Lemonhead's lookalike girlfriend made some delicious little love chocolates for valentines day (which I ate most of) THEN Little Boss had his baby (welcome to the world little Iris!) and having guessed the right day in the baby pool I won a smashing little Ice Crusher circa 1984. I opened the lid and I think it even has some of it's original mildew!!! AND THEN I got a new computer!!!! But..this last little slice of excitement REALLY peaked my astonishmentness. Can you guess what it could have been?? Can you imagine what has freed me from my dungeon of winter gloom??? Yes...THAT'S RIGHT!!!!! Something DID happen in the ladies bathroom!!!!!

We've all heard the horror stories....you know the ones, you go to the bathroom in a public place or at your boyfriends parent's house and the toilet overflows, spilling your shame onto the linolium. I was begginng to think that stories like this were just urban legends. I've heard a thousand of them, but still, in all of my 25 years, I have never ACTUALLY WITNESSED this phenomenon.....UNTIL TODAY!!!!!!!!!!

It all went down in stall #1.....my favorite. The Etiquater has always voiced her opinion on the unreliability of stall #1's equipment, but, when forced to choose between a faulty toilet (that up until this point is only here-say) and a haunted stall who's door mysteriously opens right as you sit down..i'll take my chances with the underdog (that's stall #1)

So---here's the play by play of todays event: First, I go in the stall....... (some text has been removed due to content that Lemonhead might find offensive)...So, I flush the toilet.....or so I THOUGHT!!!!!! I turned around and noticed that some of the TP hadn't made it down, SO I flush the toilet again and thougt to myself "maybe I should hold it down." Well....my intuition failed me once again. Before I even had time to register what was happening, the water was spilling over like Niagra!!!!!! Ofcourse I did what any normal person would do in that situation. I high-tailed it outta there and pretended it never happened. Atleast until I got back to the room, then I made the appropriate embarrassing phone calls.

The big dilema here is not neccisarrily (my spelling) or the fact that the toilet overflowed.....the big dilema is WHERE THE HECK AM I GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM NOW???!!

IS THIS A JOKE?!?!? a really bad tasteless joke!!?!?!?!

2005-11-03T14:30:00.000-08:00

Okay....you have GOT to be kidding me......I cannot BELIEVE that something of this caliber has happened at a place of business!!! I mean...has our bathroom ettiquite gotten so bad here that we can no longer distinguish our bathroom from that of a gas-station lavatory??? And I'm not talking about the nice QT bathrooms. I'm talking about one of those quickstop stations in the middle of NO WHERE that you have to go up to the cashier and ask for the key. Then the man with no teeth hands you a hubcap with a bobby-pin attached to it and says "good luck".

So-i go into my sweet little stall #1 and find it molested.....again. And this time..it's WORSE. Women are DISCUSTING. Im sitting there, minding my own business and I glance to my right....and WHAT DO I SEE??????? BLOOD!!!! BLOOD ON THE WALL PEOPLE!!!!!! UGH!!!!!! SERIOUSLY....the toilet paper was RIGHT THERE!!!!!! I mean what was this person thinking?!?!?!? What weird train of thought lead to "Ah....the wall!!! That's a perfect place to wipe this!!" I'm pissed!!!! Whoever keeps doing this crap is now my NEMISIS!!!! look out!

Stupid comment of the day: Whoever said: "Ah....the wall!!! That's a perfect place to wipe this!!"

the bathroom is not your boardroom

2005-10-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

Okay...Another Bathroom blunder I must expose. But Before I go off on my tangent about appropriate bathroom etiquite, you'll need a little background info. By the time I actually peel myself from my chair and head down the mile long hallway to the "ladie's room" I've already been holding it for atleast a few hours. So I hope you can understand that when I make it down there and encounter some terrible scene of innapropriateness, not only am I aggrevated.......but I HAVE GOT TO GO!!!!!!

So..the other day I run/walk down to the bathroom, swing open the door...and what do I find?!?!?!?!?! Two ladies who shall remain nameless HAVING A MEETING IN THE BATHROOM!!!!!!!!!! There's so much to say about this.. I mean how did this meeting come about??? Did they plan it???? Did they peek under the stall and recognize one-anothers shoes and innitate a convo????? I can't answer any of those questions...all I know is I had to pee and they were standing right there in the middle of the bathroom talking business...BLOCKING MY FAVORITE STALL!!!!! So I had no choice but to go to the stall I hate!! THE Giant and intimidating stall #3. ARGH!!!!!!!!!! Then ofcourse I had to deal with "stage fright" until they finally took their meeting where it belongs....ANYWHERE BUT THE BATHROOM!!!!!!!

In other news. Incase you didn't already know, JJ and I are offical. There....I said it. Now leave me alone.

The FUNNIEST COMMENT EVER MADE goes to: Little BOSS!!!!!!! Yesterday when LB, Lemonhead and myself were walking to our cars, Lemonhead noticed a leaf sitting atop LB's Head. when we pointed it out, he said in a child like voice "Hey!! Leaf me alone!!!!!" HAHAHhahahhaHAHAHAH the funniest thing ever. .....i guess you had to be there.

The stupid comment of the day: I think I'll go ahead and give this one to myself. I keep repeating the LB Leaf joke to everyone I see......they usually look at me like I'm retarded.

The BEST NEWS EVER!!!!!!!

2005-10-11T13:49:00.000-07:00

Okay..so this week has been pretty blah so far...that is until I heard the BIG NEWS. According to Yahoo! News (the best news source on the planet) Womens waistlines are creeping back up!!!! YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!! I've been complaining about low-riders for who knows how long. Call me style-retarded, call me Old Fashioned but whatever you do don't call me "the girls whos ass-crack hangs out of her pants." How did pants start riding so low in the first place??? I mean, it all happened so fast. Out with the natural waistlines and in with bikini waxing and thongs placed ever-so-obviously crawlling up your back. Barf!! It's a total faux-pah to have normal underwear hanging out the back, but your actual crevis......no biggie.

watch this!!!
http://www.devilducky.com/media/30138/

Stupid comment of the Day: When Tall K asked me to ask The Opposer if he could borrow 5 bucks.

the Escapades of Captain Flat Top

2005-10-11T13:20:00.000-07:00

Well, Captian Flat Top returned on Monday from a week-long work-related sabatacle to our Northerly Neighbor, CANADA!!!!
It looks like he had a pretty good time! Judge for yourself. Click photos to enlarge!

What tha????

2005-09-22T14:32:00.000-07:00

Okay...I know I already blogged once today, but I just encountered something that HAD TO BE BLOGGED. Now as we all know, taking a trip to the ladies room is basically a leap of faith. ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN IN THERE!!! And today something did!!! I figured it would happen what with me going in there every ten minutes.
SO, I go in there about 10 minutes ago, and of course it stinks. A stench that would cause most women to turn and hold it till they get home....but, the forces of nature are stronger than I. So, the bathroom is empty (thank God) and I head over to my favorite stall. i'll refer to it as stall #1. It's the stall closest to the paper towel machine. It's kind of tucked in the corner. It's cozy. I feel safest in stall #1. I look down to do the standard "seat check" and GASP!!!!!!!! The seat has been totally desecrated!!!!!! Someone has peed all over my toilet seat!!!!!!! I'm baffled!!!! Not just by the yellow ooze that is molesting the toilet seat, but the LOCATION of the attack is BLOWING MY MIND!!!!! (see fig.1) The shear mechanics of it!!! How did it get way back there?!?!? Did someone bring a little boy child in there??? (and if so, why didn't they clean it up?) Did one of our gentlemen coworkers get confused and accidentally go into the womans restroom?? (and if so, why didn't he lift the seat??) I suspect this is the handy work of one of the "Hoverers". I imagine that they, while trying to maintain balance and keep their backside atleast a foot away from the seat, stumbled backwards and upon being startled, "let loose" all over the poor toilet.
This is just another piece of evidence that the ONLY REASON that hovering toilets is necesarry is because of the HOVERERS THEMSELVES!!!!!! Just have a seat ladies!!!! Have a seat!!!!!

8 glasses a day

2005-09-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

Today I am on a mission. What is that mission you ask? i'm going to drink a whole gallon of water. I've self-diagnosed...myself with dehydration. There are several pros for drinking a whole gallon of water in one day. #1. I rarely drink anything at all and therefore look dried up and dead. This ought to catch me up. #2. Lot's of cardio from getting up and going to the bathroom 100 times. #3. hopefully it will clear up all of this itching that I am suffering from which is either the result of dry skin or I'm growing a wicked patch of chest hair. #4. drinking alot of water helps you lose weight.
There are however a few cons that go along with drinking a gallon of water. #1. Having to stop what you're doing to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes is not only extremly inconvenient, but the chance of having an awkward bathroom run in jumps up ATLEAST 50%. #2. All of the handwashing is really making my hands dry and chapped....hopefully I am protecting myself by drinking all the water. #3. The water I bought tastes like crap.
So....will Mission H2O be all for not??? I suppose the scales will tell tommorow.

UPDATE: The What will from now on be referred to as Bargin Betty.

Also, it's been decided that Lemonhead should find himself a nice little internet girlfriend. I think it should either be someone really bossy and demanding (opposites attract you know) or someone who is so sweet and timid that she makes LH look like a facist Dictator. Look out for updates!!!

BIG FAT JERK OF THE DAY:
No surprise. Little Boss and Lemonhead wouldn't go to the movies with Me and Bargin Betty. I just wanted to do something as a family, but Nooooooooooooooooo. See if I EVER ask you guys to do anything special for the Rest of THE DAY!!!!!

OH WAIT!!!! I guess we can add The Etiquater to that list also. Hey, let me ask you something, Isn't it considered POOR ETIQUATE to decline an invitation???? i guess you did it as politely as possible though.

fish fried chicken

2005-09-20T13:02:00.000-07:00

Well, today, Lemonhead and I went out to eat with one of our Vendors who shall be refered to as Tall K. Tall K and I had the special: Chicken Fried Chicken w/ mashed potatoes and corn. They totally used fish batter though. But it was smothered in gravy, so of course I ate it.....all. Now i feel like a sea cow.
Speaking of Lemonhead, today he not only drank out of Nikole's (who shall be hereto referred to as The What) water bottle, but he also ate a piece of candy that she had already bitten off of. They're relationship is moving at an alarming rate. It took me 5 or 6 months to get Lemonhead to drink out of my soda!!!! WHATS NEXT Lemonhead!!!! If WHAT has something on her face are you gonna spit in a tissue and wipe it off for her????? Gross. Let's keep it professional kids.
Speaking of Gross, today in our Bi-Weekly m...mu....(gag) meeting, there were some little odd chocolates that VP of PUS brought in....green tea stuffed chocolates and chocolate covered sunflowered seeds. Ummmm..... Just becasue you cover it in chocolate, does NOT make it candy. chocolate is not meant for everything. May we never forget the Chocolate Chili incident.....ALTHOUGH, I can say that Chocolate Gravy over butter-smothered biscuts DOES WORK.

Stupid comment of the day: Alas, I must take it today for when I said to Captin Flat-Top "Hey, boss, how they hanging??
among other things. I was kind of on a roll today.

Time to Blog

2005-09-19T14:24:00.000-07:00

Well DCS lovers. After a brief sabbatical, I'm back and ready to blog. NiKole* and Lemonhead are moving desks today under the supervision of the Ruiner. They will now be sandwiched up against eachother, but atleast it's better than sitting under the watchfull eagle eyes of little boss. (I'm not saying that he is physically little, He's just little in rank compared to the big boss, Flat-Top. )
In other news. I'm fat. I can no longer hide under the cloak of "average" or "curvey". I have offically crossed the line into "fat tub of lard". What's a girl to do??? If only there was a pill for will power. Or a pill that made everything you ate taste like fish or giant Walnut Cookies from that weird chinese place that Lemonhead and the Etiquater are always going to with the opposer. I'd have no problem not eating.
Also, we were looking at our chinese astrology charts today and aparently i'm a total annoying flake, little boss is a perv and only uses people, Nikole* is hateful social butterfly , and Lemonhead is a ferocious tiger that will eat anyone in his path, he is NOT the sweet little kitten he appears to be. DO NOT TRUST HIM, Don't make fun of him either. he might start crying...at work and then he'll get fired. Okay. my fingers hurt.

Stupid comment of the day goes to: The Etiquater. The Etiquater has not said a word all day. Silence DOES NOT save you from the stupid comment of the day. I'm making an example of her.

* names may or may have not been changed to protect the so-called innocent

2005-09-08T10:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I think we can all agree that yesterday sucked. Except when we got to eat a giant piece of cake. That part was good. OH and I had taco bell for dinner, so that cheered me up a bit also.
In the romance department, I think there may be a little love triangle forming between Jason myself and my friend Rachel. But maybe it's all in my head. I'm to busy to be writing in this thing.

Unwarrented Rejection of the day: When Lemonhead asked a pretty girl if her friends were buying her a drink, to which she promptly replied "No thanks. I can buy my own drink." OUCH!!!!!!!

hand and foot

2005-09-04T08:36:00.000-07:00

SO, I'm at my parents house and haven't done a thing except eat constantly (curried chicken cassarole!!!!! Jealous Jason???) and play cards with my mom...(a great game called hand in foot). Now we're going to go to the pool which I totally wasn't prepared for, SOOOO you know what that means!!! I'll me wearing one of my mother's swimsuits (from Talbots I'm sure). I hope nobody tries to hit on me!!!! Later we'll be going shopping so I'm sure I'll end up with a bunch of old lady clothes that I let my mother buy me after going 10 rounds on what is "cool" for 25 year olds to wear.
THis is what I predict you guys are all doing right now at 11:45 am on Saturday:
Jason...is still asleep (his mouth is probably hinged wide open whilst he drools all over his pillow and flies circle around the stench)
Chris...is probably mowing someone elses lawn or doing dishes or some other domestic chore
AJ...IS FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW and poor little Ben is absorbing all of her wrath.
Joe...Is marinating meat for his bar-b-q or cleaning up dishes from his Pancake breakfast (what kind did you make this time JOe???)
Denny..is painting of course and listening to the Grateful Dead (I bet Jason did that last night, if you kow what I mean)
Richard....Richard and Monica will be having breakfast until 2 o'clock
John....is probably watching a foreign news channel bash on the US Hurricane Situation so he can build up his arguments..(he will probably disagree with this)
Andrew...I have no clue what you're doing

did anyone notice

2005-09-02T22:41:00.000-07:00

that my profile name is the Interpreter-not the InterUpter??

sigh........swoon

2005-09-02T22:23:00.000-07:00

Well, all, I just got back from my "date" which turned out to be a date pretty much. The movie was absolutely TERRIBLE. It didn't make one bit of sense, even for a fantasy movie, but Heath Ledger is always h-o-t-t so, I dealt with it. Jason didn't make a move or yawn at all the whole time....ofcourse that's probably because I kept my hands securely tucked away between my legs.
After the movie the four of us headed on over to Friday's like good little suburbanites and had a drink....well, they had water, i had 2 sips of a bloody mary that made my nose run like a river (which jason paid for). I didn't get anything to eat though, cause I freaked out on my way home from work and pigged out on taco bell (this is a whole other story entirely!!! Don't let me forget to tell it)cause I hadn't eaten anything except 2 Red Bulls and that incredible pumkin muffin....oooo. I think I'm hungry again. So I spent the rest of the night feeling like I weighed 200 lbs (ooo, sorry Joe) and PRAYING that I wouln't have a DA.
The only awkward moment of the night was when he took me back to my car. Instead of just dropping me off he pulled into a parking spot across the aisle. I pretty much hopped right out though. I WAS SOOOO TIRED. So then I felt bad, cause that probably really confused him.........so I called him and we talked on the phone for an hour. To sum it up: He's a great guy.....BUT we'll see. I'll probably go out with him again...I mean HANG OUT with him again. Have good weekends all. GOOD LUCK AJ!!!! xoxoxo

diarreah brown

2005-09-02T07:26:00.000-07:00

Once again, democracy has reared it's ugly head here at Design and Creative Services Headquarters. It burned me once with the selection of "Cress Green" for our walls. I don't like it. But I was granted an opportunity to take that lemon and make some lemonade by painting the doors orange...-but no. Lets make diarreah instead. The vote went to Chris's selection (ofcourse), a shade of Brow-en that can only be described with the word Putrid. I guess it will keep my creative juices "running".

Stupid comment of the day: When John (the Opposer) stated that "a woman should pay for dinner the second date."