AJ meets a S'more

SO, AJ, being the only woman over 5 who had never experiences the power of a S'more, orchestrated a little lunch time outing for us all at Forest Park. Fun was had by all. Here is a glimpse.







I can't believe how fat my face is.

It Came From the Womens' Bathroom!!

So, I know it's been awhile since I've blogged about an incident in the womens bathroom, but I figured it had all been said....until last Friday.

Since I don't drink even a fraction of enough liquids throught the day, I only make it to the restroom maybe once a day. I try to hold it until I can't hardly stand it because if I don't and there's someone in there fixing there hair or reapplying their make-up in dead silence I'm sure to get stage fright. I sit and NOTHING. So I flush the empty toilet and leave - unrelived. But this is all besides the point. - Last friday walked into the "Ladies" (I use this very loosely) room and was nearly knocked to my knees by an unholy stench. But, since I had been holding it to the point of no return, I just held my breath and went to stall #1. "WHAT!!!" I couldn't believe it. I had seen that splatter before along the back of the seat, but this time it was different. This time- it was brown!!!! I rolled my eyes and went to #2 (no pun intended). I then ran back to the office and shared the news with AJ who was equally disgusted. We laughed and accused our usual suspects.

Then - 20 minutes later I recieve this email from AJ:
"I've just returned from the ladies'. And I think I can top you."
Someone had literally sh*t on the floor in Stall #3."

WHAT!?! NO WAY!

I have to ask. I find AJ down the hall and make her spill. Yes....It was true. Someone left a lonely little terdlit sitting on the floor next to the toilet. How did this happen??? I mean, the mechanics of it! Even if it was a Hoverer, they're hover skills would have had to been dramatically off. Were they drunk?? Were they crazy??? Who keeps doing crap like this??!!!!

"This I've got to see!" I shout. "No, Jenny. It's too late. It's been taken care of." No. NO. she couldn't have. " I had to!" She shouts. "There were other people in there!! They would have thought I did it!!"

I am speechless.

A Conversation?

This is a transcript of a healthy phone conversation between two people when one person asks another to attend an event and the other person has to say no.

Person A: Hey, A! I was wondering if you would like to go to the movies with me this weekend. That guy I introduced you to will be there!!
Person B: Oh, A, I wish I could, but I have to work.
Person A: Oh, that’s too bad. Are you sure you can’t get away for a couple hours???
B: No. I’ve got a lot to get done in the next month and a lot of people counting on me so I need to use this weekend to get a good head start.
A: I totally understand. We’ll miss you, but I hope you get a lot done!!!
B: Thanks for inviting me and I hope you guys have fun! And tell that guy I said Hi!
A: Oh I will! Talk to you later!
B: Bye!
A: Bye!

Now this is a transcript of the conversations between me and my sister this weekend:

Ring! Ring!

Jenny: Hello?
Kelly: Hey!
Jenny: Hey! What’s up?
Kelly: Oh nothing, I’m just heading to the store. I just wanted to call and see if you are coming to church with us tomorrow.
Jenny: Nope. I can’t. I am painting all weekend. I have several commissioned paintings that I need to get done.
Kelly: UH!!! WHAT!?!!?
Jenny: Sorry. I wish I could, but I made myself swear that I would commit to painting all weekend.
Kelly: JENNY!!!!! Come on! It’s 2 hours! What about Kyle!?!?! Don’t you want to see him again!?!?! You HAVE to come!
Jenny: Kelly, I’m sorry, but I CAN’T.
Kelly: Yes you can. Just come to church in the morning and then go home and paint!!! You’ll have the whole rest of the day!!
Jenny: It really doesn’t work that way. I’m at my most creative in the morning. I get up at 7 and start painting.
Kelly: SO, get up and paint then come to church and go back! What’s the big deal!?!
Jenny: Kelly, I can’t just quit in the middle to get all spruced up, drive 30 minutes to church, sit there for an hour, and drive 30 minutes back and get back to business.
Kelly: Well, - ugh, good grief, do you have to have them done right NOW!?!?!
Jenny: (I snap a little inside.) YES!!!! I’m going out of town the next 2 weekends!!! If I don’t get a good start on them I’m going to spend the next 2 weeks completely freaking out!!
Kelly: Where are you going next weekend?
Jenny: I’m going to Lake of the Ozarks with my friends from bible study. We’ve had it planned since July.
Kelly: So, you’re gonna go to Lake of the Ozarks with your friends, but you can’t come to church with us for 2 measly hours??? Why don’t you skip going to the lake, then you’ll have all next weekend to paint!
Jenny: WHAT!?!?! NO!!! Then I’d be letting all of them down, and besides, I’ve been looking forward to this trip!!!
Kelly: Well, can’t you just get up in the mornings before work and paint!?!
Jenny: KELLY!!!! NO!!!!!!
Kelly: Well, Jenny! How is Kyle ever supposed to get your phone number and ask you out!?!?! If you don’t come tomorrow that means you won’t see him for a month!!!!!!!! What if he meets someone else!!!
Jenny: Well. I guess if its meant to be then it will work itself out. Honestly, Kelly, I’ve got a lot more important things to worry about right now and I would have time to go on a date with him even if he asked me.
Kelly: (Yelling to kids in the background) Girls, Aunt Jenny’s not going!
Kids: WHAT!!!!! Tell her she has to!!
Kelly: The kids really want you to go.
Jenny: (at this point I just want to get off the phone) UGH…fine. I’ll think about it. I’ll see how much I get done today, but I’m telling you now that I’m 95% sure I’m not coming.
Kelly: Fine.
Jenny: Fine.

She calls 5 more times that evening which I never answer. She also has my brother call to tell me that he had a dream the night before that I would go to church the next day and meet the man I’m going to marry.

I spend the rest of the day obsessively aggravated over this “predicament”. Mostly because it shouldn’t even be one, but my sister, although I love her dearly, is the pushiest person I know and if you don’t do what she wants you’ll have to put up with her guilt trips and pouting.9.5 times out of 10 I just give in immediately. It’s just easier and I’m a lazy fighter.

The next morning at 8 am I am lying in bed.

Ring! Ring!!!

I let it go to voicemail and finally muster up the courage to tell her that I am definitely not going. So I call her back.

Jenny: Kelly, I JUST CAN’T GO.
Kelly: WHAT!!!!!!

The conversation from the day before repeats itself.

Kelly: Fine. If you don’t want to go—
Jenny: Kelly, It’s not that I don’t want to go!!! I know that you and the kids really like Kyle and are really excited to see what happens and want me to hurry up and fall in love with him so you can plan a wedding and I can start popping out kids. But, I don’t think you understand how much stress I am under. I am not even in the state of mind right now to even think about boys.
Kelly: Fine, I didn’t realize it was such a big deal. Don’t go. I understand. (in a pouty tone)
Jenny: NO, now your going to pout!
Kelly: No I’m not. (yes she is) It’s fine. I have to go and get the girls ready.
Jenny: Okay. I’m sorry!!!!
Kelly: It’s fine. I hope you get a lot of painting done. Bye.
Jenny: Bye.

Simpler Times

Look out. Here comes Winter Jenny.

Prepare yourselves. I can feel myself morphing into Winter Jenny already. It’s been a year, so let me refresh you on her personality. Winter Jenny may slightly like Summer Jenny, but don’t be fooled. They are 2 different people. Sure, they both have the same gigantic teeth, but if you look closely, you’ll see that winter Jenny’s teeth are totally lack-luster and a dingey yellow. This is probably due to the poor hygiene that Winter Jenny prefers. “Why bother with the white strips? In fact, why bother brushing my teeth at all? They are just going to get dirty again?” This is an example of Winter Jenny’s general attitude towards everything. Summer Jenny is no fashion plate, but winter Jenny takes it to a whole new level. When she comes to town the first thing she likes to do is gain 10 to 15lbs. Now Summer Jenny’s clothes don’t fit anymore, but Winter Jenny doesn’t give a hoot. She refuses to go and buy new pants that do fit so she just alternates the two “less tight” pairs—not daily – weekly. She finds one pair of shoes and wears them every day whether they match or not. “Make-up to cover those unsightly dark circles- Hell no. It’s all pointless. Life is pointless. Why even take the time to brush my hair, there’s so much static in the air it’s just going to look like crap anyways.” At least she is considerate enough to wash it….every other day.

Summer Jenny is fun and entertaining and always happy to talk to anyone. Winter jenny isn’t quite so congenial. If she talks at all it’s usually to complain about how stupid everything is. Summer Jenny is observant and can turn most anything into a great lunch time story, Winter Jenny on the other-hand, still has the same gift, but would rather sit at her desk and play Tetris than talk to her fabulous co-workers. “Don’t they know how pointless it all is!!! Who Cares!?!?”

Speaking of stupid, Winter Jenny likes to have a boyfriend. Not because she’s lonely or feeling romantic. She just likes to have someone else to complain to – and about. She turns on the charm just enough to reel some poor sap in, and then she flips the switch. At this point he’s stuck with her, because it’s the holidays and no one wants to be alone during the holidays. He figures having a sullen unkempt hygiene deficient girlfriend is better than having no girlfriend at all. He puts up with it. And just when he gets used to her and begins to accept her, Summer Jenny comes back and loses him quicker than a utility bill. But, you can’t blame her. Winter Boyfriend usually sucks pretty bad himself. Winter Jenny ain’t too picky.

So folks. Consider yourselves warned. Winter Jenny sucks and I apologize in advance.

Goodbye Short-Timer

It was a sad day here at DCS. Sad because our Bargin Betty, our sweet little Nikole has left for greener pastures. What will we do without her?? Who will tell me that my hair looks good when everyone else says disapointedly, "Jenny........you changed your hair." Who will organize me!?! Who will bring in discusting smelling fish dishes for lunch?!? Oh, AJ will still do that on occasion. Who will I talk about my dreams of having a vegetable garden with?!?! Who will tell me how talented I am!?! Who will come in the room with a new story about how they fell down the stairs...AGAIN.?? Who will AJ have to share those nasty cocoa mojitos with? Who will she have to go to uppity resturaunts with for lunch?? Not me. That's for sure. Who will copy those gestures and mannarisms that only Nikole and any drunk sorority girl can make? Who will take all of our hopes and dreams for a more functional DCS and put them into action??? Sure , we all love to talk about it, but Nikole was the one who kept the ball rolling when the rest of us were watching youtube. And most of all, who will cry at work!!!! It's like when Nikole cried, she was crying for all of us!!!!

Oh Nikole! It won't be the same!!

Let the search begin!

Well, her last day is Thursday, and we better start thinking about who we can get to "replace" her. (Although she will never truly be replaced). I have a few suggestions.

What about


Just think about how much fun AJ and I would have ripping her to shreds with our witty judgemental rants. Plus, she's not bad to look at for the boys. Downside: I bet she spends half of her life primping in the bathroom and you all know the stage fright I suffer from if someone is in there fixing their hair. I'd probably just have to quit peeing at work all together.

Or how about

I bet he would totally fall in love with me and then I could get married and never have to work again. PLUS Nikole LOVES John Mayer and this would totally piss her off and make her crazy with jealousy. Downside: I can't think of one.

OR what do you all think of hiring

How precious would that be!?!?!? Who wouldn't want to have a sweet chimp to play with all day long, PLUS this IS a Scientific Education Institution!!!!! Downside: I don't know that Chimps can be potty trained.

WAIT!! WAIT!!! I know!!! There is only one person I can think of that would even come close to filling Bargin Betty's Shoes. Only one who could mirror her charm, her slurred speech and her weak center of gravity....
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I'm CRAZY!?!?! YOU guys are crazy!!!

What!!! What the hell just happened! Let me tell you where I'm coming from:
The opposer is having a party today at 3:30. Today is THURSDAY. Now who can go to a party at 3:30 on a Thursday??? It doesn't make sense does it??? Well, according to EVERYONE else in this place it makes perfect sense. But then ofcourse, they had the foreknowledge that we all had PERMISSION to skate out an hour and a half early. I DID NOT. So as soon as I started my rant, you'd have thought me to be a witch in 17th Century Salem Massachussets. By the way folks, when you tell a person they are acting psychotic (WHEN THEY AREN'T!) it only forces them further into a Psychotic frenzy in a mad attempt to prove thier innocence.

Stupid Comment of the day: The opposer for having a party at 3:30 on a Thursday. (Although I am very excited to go)

BACK and BETTER THAN EVER!

Well, I’m back.
“Hey, Jenny, Where the hell did you go in the first place??? You didn’t even say goodbye!!! You just up and quit! You’re a quitter! That’s what you are!! Why should we trust you?!?! You just waltz in with your funny little comments and embarrassing dating traumas and as soon as it starts to feel like a “commitment” boom! You’re out the door!! We’re not falling for it again!! We quit you, Jenny!!! WE QUIT YOU!!!”

Now, now, husssh. Husssssh. It’s okay, I understand. I’ve been a bit of a bastard and you all have every right to be mad at me. I’m like that deadbeat dad. I can always make you laugh, I let you do things your mom won’t, and I let you stay up WAAAAY past your bedtime. All your friends think I’m the coolest. And I am the coolest…when I show up, which is never worth banking on. I’m too selfish. Commitment makes me feel strangled and I’m too busy chasing my dreams and those damn get rich quick schemes to be bothered to update my sweet baby blog.

But that was the old me!!! I’m changin’ my ways!! Will I still be flakey? Yes. Will I still say stupid things? All the time. Will I still dress terrible and go on a new diet every 2 weeks? You bet. But dammit, if I can’t commit to updating a damn blog every once in a while, what can I commit to??? NOTHING!!! That’s what!!! Certainly not a diet, or an exercise regimen, or an unsatisfying relationship.

My NAME IS JENNY! AND I’M A QUITTER!!!!

Stupid Comment of the Day:
Mine all Mine. Today, as I dropped my roomate off at the airport for her flight to Mexico, I said, "How will I know you got there safe?? Oh wait, I guess if you don't it'll show up on the news." oooooo.
or
The airport security gaurd who while riffeling through her bag found a memory foam vibrating back pillow and anounced to everyone that she had a "Vibrator"

an "overflow" of inspiration

Okay, okay. So I know I've been neglecting the ole blog.....and let's be honest, I've been neglecting everything for the past couple months- my car, my apartment, my friends, my personal hygene......I'm sure it's due to seasonal defective disorder. Everything is so grey and drab- and cold- and dismal; and I better quit talking about it before I depress myself again.

Anyways, I couldn't help but be overcome with inspiration today. It's been a very eventful week here at DCS. First off, now that I'm hanging out with a Jehovah's Witness, I've had TONs of crazy stuff to gossip about and make fun of, THEN Lemonhead's lookalike girlfriend made some delicious little love chocolates for valentines day (which I ate most of) THEN Little Boss had his baby (welcome to the world little Iris!) and having guessed the right day in the baby pool I won a smashing little Ice Crusher circa 1984. I opened the lid and I think it even has some of it's original mildew!!! AND THEN I got a new computer!!!! But..this last little slice of excitement REALLY peaked my astonishmentness. Can you guess what it could have been?? Can you imagine what has freed me from my dungeon of winter gloom??? Yes...THAT'S RIGHT!!!!! Something DID happen in the ladies bathroom!!!!!

We've all heard the horror stories....you know the ones, you go to the bathroom in a public place or at your boyfriends parent's house and the toilet overflows, spilling your shame onto the linolium. I was begginng to think that stories like this were just urban legends. I've heard a thousand of them, but still, in all of my 25 years, I have never ACTUALLY WITNESSED this phenomenon.....UNTIL TODAY!!!!!!!!!!

It all went down in stall #1.....my favorite. The Etiquater has always voiced her opinion on the unreliability of stall #1's equipment, but, when forced to choose between a faulty toilet (that up until this point is only here-say) and a haunted stall who's door mysteriously opens right as you sit down..i'll take my chances with the underdog (that's stall #1)

So---here's the play by play of todays event: First, I go in the stall....... (some text has been removed due to content that Lemonhead might find offensive)...So, I flush the toilet.....or so I THOUGHT!!!!!! I turned around and noticed that some of the TP hadn't made it down, SO I flush the toilet again and thougt to myself "maybe I should hold it down." Well....my intuition failed me once again. Before I even had time to register what was happening, the water was spilling over like Niagra!!!!!! Ofcourse I did what any normal person would do in that situation. I high-tailed it outta there and pretended it never happened. Atleast until I got back to the room, then I made the appropriate embarrassing phone calls.

The big dilema here is not neccisarrily (my spelling) or the fact that the toilet overflowed.....the big dilema is WHERE THE HECK AM I GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM NOW???!!